On occasion, I spend too much pondering upon the most unimportant things in life. And perhaps I make way too many excuses to be able to accomplish anything anymore. As a child I was a productive member of society, both strong mentally and physically. I had an unseen motivation lingering always pushing me to do a little better both in school and work as well as personal life. Ever since I started to make up excuses which were unjust things just began to slip. Why, is the question I present to myself every night? Where did I actually go wrong? For years I was so intrigued with science and math, language and art and this motivation suddenly went away.
I will be quite honest the premise of the very first part
of this post is not to rant about anything, but somehow apologize to those
which I have upset over the last few months. My head has grown too big for my
own good, becoming a cocky man seeking always attention and not enough love to
spread. Selling out myself like some prostitute in a skin tight dress on the
corner of the polluted streets of New York City. However, it has grown far
worse than thinking I am the best, it made me into the person who I am right
now, at this point in my life. Rude, obnoxious and inconsiderate. I
have been making up way too many excuses, "oh my life this... oh my life
that...” without realizing how much I am hurting people around me. Perhaps it’s
the fact that growing older truly has made me an unintelligent human
being, regressing rather than progressing. Or perhaps it’s the sheer fact that
laziness has gotten the best of me. Either way it’s an excuse I am not willing
to make just stating facts. They say the best way to change you is first
admitting to the facts and then following through. Studies show that after
thirty days if you have initiated a change and have continued to go
through with it you are on the right track. None of the things which I have
done I can ever take back, regretting that I have done them is just a way of self-pity,
but I want to change. The way I treated some of my friends, the way I have
treated my peers, the way I have treated everyone around me. I feel like scum.
They say those who break rules are scum; however those who treat their friends
like shit are even worse scum. Perhaps it’s the family issues, no, no, I cannot
say that. It is my own stupid mistakes which have caused this the rude
comments, the cockiness, the unintelligent jokes. They are all
holding me back or rather should I say I am holding myself back because I did
not want to change.
The question is where I start making the change; well it
has to come from me at first. The people I know and the people I am friends
with only reason they treated me the way they did is because I treated them
with respect and integrity. And that is where it all starts. The next part of
this is realizing what ticked me to be this way and how I can wind it back. Or
perhaps the better thing to do is winding it forward, as to skip over that
which happened and move on. The more lingering that is done in the past the
more I will be incapable of moving forward. I do not want to be the
politician known as Robert Davis who lies about his policies. I do not want to
be the CEO who cheats the ones who are below him and rather than raising their
worth decreases their value. And for sure I do not want to be the bully which I
have turned myself into. Whether it has been in my personal life, my business
life, or anywhere else; I do not want to be who I am anymore. Sure
being intelligent is one thing but it’s a whole other being a
complete prick to those who have come to respect you for a whole other person
that you are. Then changing because something stupid happened with your own
messed up brain which you had the power to change but instead chose not to and
ignored it and became a deteriorating piece of crap. In the past it is I who
has helped out my friends but it’s time for me to declare that I am the friend
that people do not deserve but the person who needs those around me. It is time
to admit that I am not alone. But it is also time to admit that nobody deserves
to be treated like they have been by me.
Perhaps this has no meaning to some of you, or perhaps
some of you may connect how I feel right now. As we are almost half way through
November and we have already winded back our clock, perhaps it is time to I
rewind mind once again. Sometimes an old clock needs to be checked over and
fixed before it can function again. That is exactly how I feel; an unproductive,
insulting piece of crap. Perhaps I am seeking attention through this post, or
perhaps I am looking for a motivation to become again the loving, kind person I
was to my friends, my peers and everyone else around me. I hope if you read
this you understand and I want you to know whether you are my friend, my foe,
or somebody I have known for a long time. I am sorry. Nobody deserves to be
treated like shit, and especially by a friend.
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